Tales from The Hood

April 13, 2020 Edition
BY: EL MONDO DE CABO

My 12-year-old Chihuahua and I woke up today and she looked at me and said .... “let's get some breakfast and then go back to bed" .....OH yeah, Chihuahuas do talk. They have a kind of soft language like, “oooooorroooooa“ which means I could use a nice salad with some chicken chopped up in little pieces on top, or “aaaaaaoooooroooa“, which means "why don't you get your fat ass off the couch and take me for a walk." 

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The rest of the day is spent going from room to room and balcony to balcony looking for sunny spots to nap. In the late afternoon she likes the wicker chair facing west with four pillows so she can look out at the emptiness to the bay and soak up the rays ... yesterday she was on her perch when she said, “ooooooorrrrowhoa“, which in Sinaloa Chihuahua means, “What the hell is going on? Where are all the people?"

We live in a Penthouse overlooking the bay, Medano beach, and the arch. I live with a talented young man from Wyoming who is a genius multimedia expert and can fly a drone through the U in a cactus and give you pictures of your business and home, the likes of what you have never seen before. He is also a social media wiz who now works from home helping people promote their websites and businesses. Gigi the Chihuahua approves of him, which is unusual as she is not yet on his payroll. So if you are looking for a good looking innovative social media professional ... and a talking Chihuahua ... give us a call. We could use the work.

The last of the whales are leaving. All the adults in pods leave with the kids first as it is a 7000-mile journey and they will try to still feed on the way, but are ready to use their body fat to make it the whole way. The male teenagers leave last as they are kicked out to go find their own pods, but like all young lads, they can get wild. Whales have similar lifestyles to humans. The difference is they don’t have lawyers. They do get divorced from each other but do so with brute force, but mostly, the offended party stays in the pod for life … just no more nookie or procreation for the offended party, which is dominated by the male, but cleverly manipulated by the female … sound familiar?

I have a theory about relationships and marriage in particular. Half of everyone that gets married get divorced. My theory is with the exception of my pals Bob and Liane who fell in love, at first sight, and have not been apart for 30 years, that 95 percent of the remaining marrieds, lay in bed at night wondering what they would do with the life insurance if the other died.

My next-door neighbor, who owns and runs his own glass-bottom boat, is having a hard time adjusting to home life ... he and his posse are doing their best to stay put, but just have to go out into the world now and then or go crazy. His 30-pound Pit Bull named Cabo, Gigi's archenemy, is anxious for the virus to just go away ... I mean come on! Can someone tell me why an 8-pound Chihuahua will attack and bite a Rottweiler or Pit Bull?  I went to buy dog food and Clorox wipes the other day at Comer, my favorite store these days as the security guy cleans your cart and sprays you as you enter, and they are only selling one per customer of anything I really want! My pantry looks like a mini Costco these days!

So what happens now? This virus looks like its got legs. I have lived and worked in over 50 countries and I have seen my share of disasters, but this one looks evil, biblical even. Maybe it’s the wake-up call we all need to start taking care of the planet and more importantly, start being nicer to each other. I thought we turned the corner when we stopped using plastic bags at the store! Do you have two dozen eco-bags in your car trunk and stuffed next to the refrigerator? I do. 

Is this the end of the world? Let us use the Bible and go down the checklist ... locust, cicadas actually who only wake up every 17 years, billions of them ate North Africa two months ago leaving millions to starve, check. Global warming, check. World wide pandemic, check. 

Now, who could the Antichrist be? It would have to be someone powerful who has no morals, a philanderer, lies, cheats and steals to get what he wants and gets it without recourse or remorse ... got to think about that more ... maybe the new manager at Costco? He is so nice ... nnnnnawwwwwh. I guess it is not the end of the world .... whewwwwwwww, or is it?  But really who could IT be? It’s probably right in front of me, but I have a strange feeling that I am being bamboozled. Maybe I am missing something that is right in front of me?

I keep hearing the Doors in the background …

This is the end, beautiful friend. 
This is the end, my only friend, the end. 
Of our elaborate plans, the end.

Of everything that stands, the end. 
No safety or surprise, the end. 
I'll never look into your eyes again …

Taken from Jim Morison’s 1960s journal...